Thankful. Undeserving. Blessed.

I am so humbled. I am so taken aback. I am so undeserving. But, most of all, I am so thankful.  

I don't think I could accurately express the emotions I'm feeling tonight. I wouldn't be able to depict just how thankful and blessed I am. I am friends with some of the greatest people in this world and tonight, they showed me their love more than I've ever felt. 

A mixed group of people all came together to celebrate my birthday at the coordination of my roommate; a girl I have known for less than 2 months and has truly become one of my closest friends who cares for and loves me for me.  I am just absolutely blown away at the amount of love my friends have for me. The shock hasn't dissipated since I heard the words "SURPRISE" flood from my friends mouths. Here's how it went ...

Earlier this week my mom hounded me for ideas of what I wanted to do for my birthday. I've never been a huge self-party-planner and this year was no different. So, we planned to do a Sunday night dinner just with the family. When my sister got hold of this news, she freaked out. That wasn't happening. She wanted to take me to dinner, just the two of us. Slightly skeptical, I went along for whatever everyone wanted to do and we decided that we would do a lunch with the family and one-on-one dinner with Trace. So, today came and Lex and I went straight to my parents from church. As the time drew closer, Tracy wanted to take me to Dave and Busters for some sister-bonding time before dinner. I was game, literally, and so we proceeded to act like big kids. :). After an hour at the arcade, she wanted to go to Chili's. I made every other suggestion in the book but Tracy was adamant (and very secretive) about ensuring we ended up at a specific Chili's. As we pulled in I noticed a familiar vehicle but brushed it off as sheer coincidence. Anyway, we walked inside and Tracy started walking to tables without waiting to be seated and completely skipped the line! I was so confused and told her we needed to be patient and the host would seat us. As always, she was persistent and demanded I follow her. I saw Tevon and figured she just wanted to say, "hey" to people we knew before we ate alone. Within moments, thousands of thoughts started to fill my head. I saw my roommate and immediately became even MORE confused. While it seems like this was over a long span, this all happened in a matter of seconds and the word, "SURPRISE" filled the mouths of the people surrounding the table. Wait, WHAT?!  (I don't get surprised. People can't usually hide things from me because I'm pretty nosey and figure them out. Lex, you did it! That's a huge success.) Immediately my hand covered my mouth out of utter disbelief. I couldn't believe my eyes. The people that came to celebrate my birthday are just absolutely incredible. I don't deserve any of it. But, thank you so much for making my 22nd birthday so memorable. 

Alexa, I love you more than I could have thought possible after two short months. Thank you for being such an awesome friend to me and supporting me, loving me, and making today so great. Tracy, thank you for being so supportive and loving. I'm so thankful that we have the relationship we do and I had so much fun with you tonight. Thank you for being quick on your feet to rebuttal every word that came out of my mouth tonight trying to change your plans. Anthony, Robert, Mike, Thomas, and Tevon, thank you for loving me regardless of where I'm at in life. Thank you for not being circumstantial friends and always supporting me. Chantelle and Gabe, in the short time I've known both of you, you have shown me how great friends can be. Thank you for making time to celebrate with me; I was truly so shocked, but thankful, you two were there. Shaina, Duffy and Lucy thanks for coming and accepting me into your friendship circle!

So, while I was speechless in the moment, it turns out I had a lot more to say than I thought. I'm so overjoyed, so thankful, so appreciative, so loved. Thank you. This birthday is definitely going down in the history books as one I'll never forget. 

Change

Change is inevitable.  Some people like it; many people hate it.  Most times, I don't mind it.  For months I have been praying for God to radically rock my world.  I have been praying that He would slap me in my face and show me exactly what He wants me to do/where He wants me to go.  First, I asked Him to break me; He did.  Then, I asked Him to break me even more; He graciously did.  From there, I asked Him to shape me; He has and continues to.  Now, I asked Him to change me and make me into His disciple.  And that's where the story continues...

Trust in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

I asked; God answered.  But, somehow, that didn't seem good enough so I questioned.  I'm not sure why I ask for guidance and then question the very clear answer.  It's as if to say, "God, try again; I don't like that answer, can we try option 2?"  HELLO... He holds the world in the palm of His hand!  Who am I to question His will?

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.

                                                                       - Proverbs 3:5-6

Regardless of my doubts, God's plan is greater.  My world is being rocked in so many radical ways; but, I'm blessed, I'm thankful and I'm encouraged.  God has gently placed an extraordinary opportunity at my feet and has given me the wisdom to respond.  While all the "t's" aren't yet crossed nor the "i's" all dotted, this opportunity seems impossible to resist, despite the unknowns.  Lord, calm my anxious heart.   

Ultimately, change doesn't have to be bad; nor, does it have to result from something that has gone terribly wrong.  In fact, change can make something good even  better.  Just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder the same can be said about change.  An attitude can make all the difference in situations of change; we can choose to accept it or we can choose to fight it.  Either way, we weren't called to be comfortable; we're called to be uncomfortable.  And for most people, change creates uncomfort.  

Thus, there is no question that change is both necessary and constant.  However, the question is, how do you choose to respond to it?

Rest

"Be still and know that I am God."

A simple command that is so hard to abide by.  This is something that is particularly difficult for me. I love to keep myself ten times busier than my body allows which causes me stress and chaos.   Somehow, I feel like if I'm not stressed, I'm missing something. It's a crazy concept but something I'm trying to grow out of. 

Today was different. I was still. I didn't do. I just sat. I was quiet. I listened. I enjoyed. I thought. I prayed. I thanked. I reflected. And I loved every moment of it. I started off hating it but realized how peaceful and nice it really was. My body needed it. 

Overcast yet so beautiful. 

All I need is You...

Thank you Satan for causing me to stumble.  Thank you for allowing me to fall.  Thank you for eating away at my insides and watching me struggle.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you. 

I was doing so well.  So, what happened?  Satan decided to creep in so he could have his way with me.  He tried to pulled me away from the happiness I've been feeling, ripped open my healing wounds.  So, I have to say thanks.  Why?  Because through the acknowledgement of his presence, I can move forward.  I can get back up and fight back.  I'm not going to let these situations define me.  I can't and  I won't.  I did that for far too long and it created a hatred inside of me that I don't want to see again.  Peoples' belittlement of others is absolutely depressing.  It hurts and angers me that I allowed people to define me for so long.  Control me.  Influence me.  Guide me.  I'm so thankful I've removed myself from those situations, mostly.  I'm upset with myself that I'm allowing silly rumors tear me down.  Yet, I'm so grateful for the people God has strategically placed into my life.  I'm encouraged that I don't have to move backwards any longer.  I can't let the bitterness I released back into my heart.  

Jesus, abide in me.  Have Your way with me.  Change me.  Make me.  Mold me.  Break me.  Shape me.  Use me.  Teach me to allow You.  Cast out my fleshly desires and point me towards You. 

"All my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You!

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold You hold"

Surrender

"Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent.  A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time."  Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is a consuming fire.  It steals joy, creates pain, robs relationships, limits opportunities and stirs chaos.  Yet, it is was so easy for me to allow it to engulf my life.  Sometimes, I learn something a thousand times before it hits me and actually sticks.  This, is one of those times.  I've learned I need to completely surrender my bitterness and pain to move on in life.  For awhile I thought I did; but, God has shown me otherwise.  I've been blessed with the birth of incredible relationships the past few months which have really reminded me how important surrender is. 

I never knew death could be so sweet
I never knew surrender could feel so free
I never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love show
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

Purpose

"Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.  Father, glorify your name!"  John 12:27-28

Ever think about what life would be like if you gave glory to God every moment of every day?  I have, and just the thought of the amount of joy and happiness that would come from that overwhelms me.  Jesus is about to be crucified and His soul is crying out in anguish; yet, does He give up?  No.  Does He complain?  Certainly not.  He glorifies God!  What a testimony I want to live!  Jesus knew His purpose for coming to this broken world was to save it.  He knew that He would live the most perfect life and die the most painful and undeserving death.  Regardless, He endured the pain so we could be forgiven, so we could live life to the fullest!  That concept gives me chills. 

So, what's my purpose?  What's my story?  Well, reading this passage and listening to sermons really got me thinking about it.  What am I currently doing in my life to bring glory to God?  What am I living for? 

First, the most important thing for me to constantly remember is that my purpose is to glorify God in everything I do.  It has been said, "The greatest sermon you will ever preach is to suffer well".  Wait, what?  This hit me hard.  So often, it's easy to lose my testimony when I'm going through trials.  But, if I focus on my purpose in life {to glorify God in everything}, the trials will be mere obstacles.  "For when I am weak, He is strong."  I need to remember that purpose looks past pain. 

So then, how am I glorifying God daily?  It's not enough to just go to church.  I don't want religion.  I want a relationship.  Once I establish the firm foundation, I am then able to live out the life God designed me to live.  I can then glorify Him because I am in one-ness with who He is.  We're on the same page, so to speak.  This is something I've been working on.  The more I communicate with God, the easier it is to glorify Him in every circumstance.  "The thief came to kill, steal, and destroy.  I came so that you may have life and life to the full." John 10:10

Needless to say, God's doing a mighty work in my life and I couldn't be more excited.  He's really been tugging at my heart to step out of my comfort zone to make His name known.  I may not think I'm ready, but He's preparing me for something I'm not going to want to miss.  So, regardless of my fears and anxieties, I'm ready.  "Here I am, send me!"